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School avoidance is a common issue, since COVID-19. Before then, it was a rarity. Kids have long since had issues of school avoidance and refusal, but it was not recognized as a major issue that needed attention. There are several steps in helping your child who is struggling with school avoidance. The first is to recognize what is really going on. Mental health days is a common term you hear. Yes, everyone needs them, even kids. But when does it become too frequent? If your child is constantly wanting to skip school, asking to leave early, repeated trips to the nurses for a stomach or headache or is flat out refusing to go to school on some days, it is now an issue. When does it become a mental health issue? When the child has missed 2 weeks of school due to avoidance or refusal, this is the threshold that intervention is needed. This blog will focus on figuring out why your child has school refusal or avoidance, how to talk to your child and their school about the issues, get professional help to assist you and your child and build positive aspects and associations with school instead of reluctance and negativity. The second thing is to educate yourself on school avoidance/reluctance. Education is a powerful tool that parents can use to arm themselves to help their child get back on the right track. Seek resources through professionals, books or online sources that can be helpful. There is not one right resource, but there is a perfect resource for you.
Why Does My Child Have School Avoidance
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School Avoidance can be caused by any number of things. Since COVID-19 where every school went online, some kids absolutely thrived. They could sleep late, eat when they wanted, do their work on their time and have few restrictions and rules. This created a positive feedback loop for kids that reassured them that face to face school was not for them. Since schools are back in session face to face, online options are no longer. This has caused a great deal of worry for kids and families that has caused them to create an environment that fosters school avoidance. Other reasons for school avoidance are academic struggles, that can be caused by learning delays, ADHD, anxiety or not being up to grade level due to the gap in learning due to the pandemic. Social issues can also play a role in school reluctance. Bullying, trouble making friends/keeping friends, or performance anxiety with sports and academics can play a role in school reluctance. When issues arise whether in or out of school they stick around a lot longer thanks to social media. Mental health concerns such as anxiety and depression can be influenced by the above factors in addition to issues outside of school. It is not possible to pinpoint one issue that is causing mental health issues. You can narrow it down, but it is not exact. Many times kids think, if I can just stay home everything will be fine. This is a common coping mechanism of avoidance. Avoidance is a great coping skill, it is 100% effective in preventing something from having an effect on you. However, with prevention comes not being able to experience anything else either. Which can be equally detrimental. Family dynamics such as death, divorce or moving homes can also play into issues with school. These are events that are stressful enough without having to think of anything else. Physical issues such as chronic illness or acute illness can cause kids to not want to go to school due to not wanting to be noticed or have people question or comment. As a parent you may not know what is going on with your child, but you can pay attention when there is an increased want to avoid school, repeated trips to the nurse with phone calls home or a decrease in performance while at school.
How to Talk to Your Child
Be humble when approaching your child who is having issues with school avoidance. If you come in hot and judgmental you will be met with resistance and anger. Approach your child with the same respect you want to receive, even if your child is unable to be respectful to you. Start a conversation about their reluctance with school. No “why” questions, if your child knew why they would have already figured it out themselves. Why is a closed question. Ask, how, when and where to begin the conversation. More listening and less talking. If you have a conversation with your child but find you are doing most of the talking, it has turned into a lecture, instead of a conversation. Validate their concerns, even when you do not understand them. Try to put yourself in their shoes. You may never understand what they are going through due to academic, social and peer pressures. Yes, there are some things that never change, but things are worlds different than when you were in school. Let them know you are open to hearing whatever they have to say and you will not be shocked or upset with them. When you hear alarming statements, question further. Any comments of self-harm, dangerous or lethal behavior toward themselves or others need immediate professional attention. Do not be consumed with fear that you do not pursue issues further, they told you because they trust you. This open line of communication will be the foundation to create a safe and loving place where your child can communicate with you openly about things that are going on. Seeds that you sow with your child during this season in their life will lead to having an open, trusting and kind relationship that is necessary in the parent-child relationship. It will continue to bring forth a rich harvest for the rest of your life and the hope is that you will lead a legacy of communication and caring with your kids. It is an investment of time and resources, but worth it.
How to Talk to the School
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Is the school responsible for your child’s school avoidance? Not really, but the school spends more time with your child than you do. In an ideal world, it would be the reverse, but that is not the world we live in. Who do we approach to get help for our child? Teachers and counselors are the place to start. They may be waiting for you to say something or already have a solution to help with school reluctance. How much information do you share? As little as possible. Protect your child’s story and their feelings. The school needs to know that there is a significant amount of school reluctance. If there is any type of documentation from a medical professional or a licensed mental health professional, this will help when asking for accomodations. Together, a plan can be made to help your child and their specific needs. It may be as simple as allowing the child to eat lunch in a classroom and not the cafeteria. Or have an option for the child to have a calm down spot or place for when they are feeling overwhelmed. The important thing to do is to give your child options so they can feel like they are getting support and are not being forced into a corner. This can be done with a collaborative effort with school officials, family and mental health professionals.
When do we Seek Professional Help
This is a question I often hear at my counseling practice. The answer is always the same. When symptoms are causing impairment to daily functioning that is the time for intervention. In the case of school reluctance, this is when the absences are numerous, somatic symptoms (headaches/stomach aches) are only happening at school. When the topic of school attendance feels like the only thing you are talking about with your child, it is time to get help. The type of help can come in different forms. Parent training, family therapy, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy are all ways that school avoidance/reluctance are addressed. Each child is different, so each treatment will be different. Who is the best person to help? How do I find someone good? This is often a question I hear from friends and acquaintances. Ask around, talk to your pediatrician or school counselor. Not every therapist is for everyone, it may take some time, but I can assure you the right person is out there. At Cypress Roots Counseling, we work on making the whole family feel welcome, relaxed and that their voice is being heard. What is the best way to help your child through the process? Let them do the work. Yes, be involved as the therapist allows, put suggestions and homework into play. Don’t just hear the information, but actually make changes. You will get out of therapy what you put into therapy.
What Can I Do at Home?
There are several things you can do at home to help with school reluctance/avoidance. The first thing to do is to establish a routine that everyone knows about. Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner are at the same time and no one questions whether they will happen. School needs to be the same way. Leave no room for discussion or negotiation about whether school is mandatory or optional. The first sign that your child gets that you will let them skip out on school, they will continue to use this to their advantage. There can be no question about whether they have to attend school. This produces calm, which reduces anxiety. Does it make all the issues go away? No, but it does create peace in a confusing situation and peace goes a long way in healing a problem area. The second is to celebrate the small stuff. When there is a win, take the win, no matter how small. If they went a whole day without calling you or going to the nurse, celebrate it. If they want to join a club, extracurricular or hang out with friends after school, celebrate it. These are factors that can greatly influence how school is viewed. The third thing is to ask your child what they want. Are you supposed to give them everything they want? No, but you can make some things easier for them, without crippling them in the process. Your child is watching you handle situations and process emotions. This is the blueprint they will use to walk down the path of life. They are watching you, make it count. If you mess up, say so. Kids are big on forgiveness, you just have to ask. If you find yourself still searching for answers and need professional help, give us a call at 903-300-2705. You will find an understanding response to issues you are having with your child.
Get Help From a Counselor in Palestine, TX
At Cypress Roots Counseling, we understand the struggle that individuals and couples face today and want to come alongside them to help them on the marathon of relationships. By scheduling a consultation you can meet with a therapist to discuss your needs and goals for couples counseling. It is never too late to seek counseling for yourself, your relationship or your family. Trust your instincts and the feeling that something is not right and get help today. Our team would be honored to offer support from our Palestine, TX-based practice. Get started today by giving us a call at (903) 300-2705, emailing us at jaclyn@cypressrootscounseling.com or by clicking the Request appointment below.
Other Services Offered at Cypress Roots Counseling
We understand that you may be dealing with more than one mental health or relationship or parenting concerns. Cypress Roots Counseling offers individual and couples counseling, as well as parenting help. Ethical, professional and confidential services are what you will experience at Cypress Roots Counseling. There are many types of counseling, but at Cypress Roots you will encounter CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), Solution-Focused Therapy and Gottman Method (Couples).
