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My partner is telling me that they are unhappy. Whether it be with the relationship, their work or with friends. Am I supposed to make my partner happy? Is that my responsibility? Or is it their own job to make themselves happy? Being happy is a phrase that is thrown around so much these days whether in casual conversation or on social media. There is a common myth that we have to be happy. We need to be happy and we need to make sure that everyone around us is happy. If not, we are failing. This is simply not true and not achievable. Making your partner happy or yourself happy should not be the goal of a relationship. Happiness should be the side effect and result. Love is not about happiness. It’s about mutual admiration and respect. Responsibility of actions, whether positive or negative and taking ownership, sow seeds of humility in a marriage. Boundaries create a perimeter around communication in intimacy and future goals. Love, responsibility and boundaries create an environment that is full of peace and calm which results in being happy. Happiness is a state of mind. It’s a fleeting thought that one moment it’s here and one moment it’s not. We have equated it with, oh I’ve got my favorite drink from the coffee shop or a new gadget or device came in and now I’m happy. The goal of any relationship should not be a fleeting thought or something that is temporary. The focus in a marriage needs to be on creating an environment where you and your partner feel safe, secure and respected.
The lie of being held responsible for my spouse’s happiness.
There are expectations of happiness that are either set from ourselves, our job, social media, family, or religious norms. The expectations dictate our steps, our words and how we base our decisions. Some cultural expectations are that if you’re not happy you need to move on or if you’re not happy then you’re not with the right person. This could not be further from the truth and reality. If I had a dollar for every time, I’ve heard a client say well I’m supposed to be happy or I need to be happy and that’s why I’m making this decision. Happiness is a fleeting feeling. We do not need to base major decisions or the outcome of relationships based on a feeling of being happy. The movies seem to bring out the most happy couples. They have fabulous jobs, live in fabulous homes and never seem to deal with any of the day-to-day issues that people offscreen deal with. Of course couples that are in the movies are very happy. They always have time for each other and there’s always a happy ending. This is not reality. Of course you may be happy all the time. If you don’t have to work, don’t have bills to pay, don’t have children, don’t have animals, don’t live in a world where there’s brokenness but that is all fantasy. Social media often portrays pictures of happy couples going on trips, going on dinner, even blogging about their life as the ultimate goal. In my opinion, the couples that are the loudest on social media about their love for one another, I feel as though they’re trying to over compensate. It’s the couples that are quiet. Those are the ones that have the true success. They don’t need confirmation from the world or social media. They live their life one day at a time, keeping their spouse first.
Sometimes expectations can come from our family or friends. We may want a marriage more like our parents. They don’t argue, they get along. They’ve never had any big issues. Why can’t my marriage be like that? The old saying is true that the grass is not always greener on the other side. And if it is greener, it is because it is because fertilizer runs downhill. Everything that is up must go down. Dwelling on the relationship of others and comparing is a great way to keep kicking the can of happiness, peace or contentment down the road.
Whenever we are focused on these expectations whether by TV, social media ourselves, or family, we are setting ourselves up for failure. When our partner is not a night in shining armor, when the house is not clean, we’re having noodles again for dinner and there’s no clean towels, this is what reality is. It is not the perfect scene set by the movie screen. Whenever we are slowly focused on making our partner happy whether by our actions, behavior or words, this is absolutely draining. I have had clients who sit before me, and they are literally burned out on their lives because they spend the majority of their time managing their spouses lives. They’re trying to make their partner happy whether it’s managing their appointments, doing all their shopping, taking care of the children or simply not bothering them with household tasks. Now there are times when one spouse or the other will have to pick up the slack. It’s not always 50-50 some days it’s 90-10 other days it’s 15-85. It just depends on what is going on and what both partners have agreed with. Be sure to communicate with your spouse what your expectations are let them tell you whether or not they’re unrealistic or reasonable. Just like at work or with friends or family when we assume we are jumping straight to the conclusion without any input from important stakeholders. We do not need to take these assumptions into our relationship.
What is our relationship supposed to look like?
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Each relationship will look different either from the outside or the inside. Partners who encourage support and are attentive to one another often find the most peace and contentment. Having peace and contentment is something that starts with yourself. There is no person or place in the world that will make someone eternally happy. Once you have peace and contentment on your own, then you can begin to pour into a relationship where both partners seek their own peace and contentment individually. Only then can they move forward with a partnership that is void of emotional burnout, codependency or staleness. Offering your spouse support whether it be with the job change or a cut in pay, through health problems, scares or trials. This is the example of what happens to vow for better or worse. You can be a supportive partner without over extending yourself. You can have a supportive partner without requiring them to overextend themselves. Communication is a cornerstone of peace and contentment. Your partner cannot read your mind. They do not know what you are feeling based on your behavior or physical movements. Yes, they may see some signs but until you communicate effectively, they’re still gonna be in the dark. Couples need to stop the expectation of how their partner is supposed to read their mind and also read the room. Once you’re able to manage expectations and communicate your needs and desires to your partner, this begins a pattern of mutual support that will show seats of a firm foundation within your marriage.
How do I accept what I cannot control?
I just want to be able to help my partner. I know they are struggling and they just need grace right now. Yes, there are times when we can see our partner struggling and we can step in and provide that support. However, we cannot always provide extra support, especially when it’s over a situation that we cannot control. Feelings, emotion and mindset are an individual issue that needs to be addressed if it’s having negative side effects on a relationship. You can help your partner, communicate with them or get them the resources to figure out their feelings, emotions and mindset, but they have to put in the work. Other things that are beyond our control are external factors such as work, health, family issues or personal challenges. Issues with work have long since held stress and individuals and for families if it is a long-term stress or there is no reward or joy in the job, it may be time to think about a career change if your job is contributing to the detriment of your relationship with your spouse and family, hard decisions need to be made. My in-laws are always causing issues in our relationship. This is a common comment that I hear among clients. The best advice is to accept the fact that you cannot control your in-laws what they say, do or behave. You can be in control of yourself of what you say, do and how you behave. Because when it comes down to it, a family will not have forgiveness and understanding for you or their child. They will have forgiveness and understanding with the one that they have seen grown and they’ve lived life with them. Guilt or resentment can begin to build when we realize that we do not have control of our situations in our life or in our spouse’s life. Recognizing these negative emotions can help not only individually but as a couple.
What can be done to foster an environment that our relationship can thrive in?
The first thing to do is to create a loving environment, where there is acceptance, humility, kindness, and appreciation. You have to figure out what your partners love language is everyone loves in their own love language because it’s what they know how to speak for example, if you love nothing more than for your partner to spend time with you, and if that’s at the top of your list, you may assume that that’s what your partner is wanting. These assumptions can lead to miscommunication within marriage. These things do not have to cost money and require a lot of time or attention. It’s often the little things that provide the most comfort and reassurance to our partner. There really is no excuse for not putting in the effort in your relationship.
The second thing you can do is to increase intimacy. We all have the same 24 hours in a day. We have to figure out to manage our time correctly to where we are carving out quality time together as a couple. This may look different than how it was when we first began dating there are a lot of external factors that are different such as job kids financesjust remember that more than likely when you began dating you did not even have a quarter of what you have now as far as assets, and you love them anyway it didn’t matter where you were or what you were gonna do you just wanted to be together. When our partner is going through a trial, that is when we need to step up to the plate as their spouse. A partner when the equal is going through something challenging is what they will remember at the end of the day. It’s what brings them through the hard times and the difficult days. You may not know what to do or what to say or even how to fix the issue. Be present, be a listener and be a protector for them in that time, start there.Allow your partner space to grow and to fail. It’s very easy to be supportive when things are going great. It’s very difficult to be supportive when everything is falling around you. Money is not enough for jobs. Not working out. Dreams are not coming to fruition. Having persistence and grit during the hard times or what will sustain you for years to come. Don’t forget to praise your partner. We often save our praise for our children who are trying something new but we forget about praising our partner who is sacrificing time, energy, and many times dreams just for their spouse or family. Being seen is the most valuable thing that can be present in a relationship.
How to have shared joy in a relationship?
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Teamwork makes the dream work. It’s a cheesy saying, but it really does still hold true. If you never spend time with your partner, never accomplish anything together, never go through anything together, how can you begin to share joy? Begin to do life together. Take interest in what your spouse or partner has interest in. Even if it is not your favorite thing, put the effort in. It will make your partner feel seen and appreciated for who they are. Share in wins with your partner. It might be as simple as a parenting win or a successful day at work. Accepting your partner for who they are and not who they could be fosters an immense amount of joy in a relationship. Dreams are meant to be shared, especially with your partner. If you are unable to share your dreams or even fears with your partner, there is a much larger issue at hand, that has nothing to do with joy. Shame and guilt prevent us from being our true self. Learning how to communicate with our partner can help with the relationship and on an individual level. A licensed counselor or therapist can help you with this. A neutral 3rd party and a place to be held accountable are often the remedy to underlying issues that have consumed you with making/keeping your partner happy.
Get Help From a Counselor in Palestine, TX
At Cypress Roots Counseling, we understand the struggle that individuals and couples face today and want to come alongside them to help them on the marathon of relationships. By scheduling a consultation you can meet with a therapist to discuss your needs and goals for couples counseling. It is never too late to seek counseling for yourself, your relationship or your family. Trust your instincts and the feeling that something is not right and get help today. Our team would be honored to offer support from our Palestine, TX-based practice or our new Fairfield, TX location. Get started today by giving us a call at (903) 300-2705, emailing us at jaclyn@cypressrootscounseling.com or by clicking the Request appointment below.
Other Services Offered at Cypress Roots Counseling
We understand that you may be dealing with more than one mental health or relationship or parenting concerns. Cypress Roots Counseling offers individual and couples counseling, as well as parenting help. Ethical, professional and confidential services are what you will experience at Cypress Roots Counseling. There are many types of counseling, but at Cypress Roots you will encounter CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), Solution-Focused Therapy, Gottman Method (Couples) and Emotion Focused Therapy (Couples & Individual).
