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“My drinking has become an everyday topic with my spouse. It doesn’t matter if I have one drink or 10 drinks, the conversation is always the same. I am met with. Why are you drinking? Why do you feel like you need to drink? I don’t want you to drink, don’t you want better? I feel like I am filledHello, how are you? How are you two and four to go to the bathroom? Let me know I’ll go. with guilt continually over my actions. It doesn’t matter how much I drink or how often I drink it’s always going to be an issue. It feels like a never-ending cycle that I cannot get out of. Do I need to stop drinking because my spouse says so? Or does my spouse need to respect my decisions on how much alcohol I wanna consume?”
This is a conversation that I’ve heard more frequently than ever. It’s not necessarily from the wife talking about that has been drinking in his choices and its effect on the family but sometimes it’s from the husband who is talking negatively of the effects of alcohol on his family due to his wife’s drinking. Many times the non-drinking spouse says I don’t want to control them. I don’t wanna tell them what to do, however, I can’t continue to live like this. Many times these partners are met with confusion, guilt and shame due to wanting to bring about their spouses behavior. If you find yourself having these conversations with your spouse where defensiveness, criticism content and stonewalling are present. You may be headed in a very wrong direction for your relationship. This post is meant to explore both sides of the equation from the non-drinking spouse to the drinking spouse to all for guidance on how to have these hard conversations that come from a place of love, concern and well-being, instead of control, criticism and contempt.
A Mile In Their Shoes
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We definitely need to walk a mile in their shoes many times when a couple comes before me and they’re having an issue with alcohol. I want to know the presence of alcohol in their home growing up whether they are the child of an alcoholic or maybe they come from a strong family belief of abstaining completely from alcohol. I want to know the origin. It matters how you grew up in regards to alcohol. It matters what your parents taught you or what your parents did when they consumed alcohol all of these things influence your perspective on alcohol for example, if your father was an alcohol alcoholic from the time that you can remember till current day, you could have a very negative view on alcoholism so when your partner wants to drink one drink and come home, you are going through the roof because you’re thinking he’s becoming an alcoholic here we go again. This is only gonna lead to more negative things when in reality it’s just one drink at dinner and that’s it. For the partner who has one drink, it can be exhausting to Phyllis, though you need to defend your behavior when you are a grown responsible adult who does not drink and drive, maintains a good job and takes care of your family. It can feel super personal when someone is attacking your everyday behavior. We cannot ignore the backgrounds and influences either cultural familiar or spiritual when it comes to alcohol. We need to have perspective on these and understand how they influence our life and not let them control our lives instead to make an informed decision for ourselves based on our views, morals, and beliefs, and where we’re at in our life. Many times we make decisions have behaviors based on how we were raised and what our parents did instead of examining that behavior and deciding what is really gonna be best for me and my family at this point in my life, it can often feel like a betrayal to have different traditions or perspectives on things like alcohol that are the opposite from your family. This is a part of growing up. This is a part of growing in your relationship with your spouse and developing your own, my life, your own traditions, your own beliefs, which may look exactly like how you were raised, but I want that conclusion to come with you and your spouse together. Of why we live the way we do.
When Alcohol Is A We Problem And Not A Me Problem
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This is often common for couples to come in and say alcohol is affecting our relationship worse than it’s affecting my life. What do you do then what happens when one spouse has no problem with drinking and the other spouse absolutely wants nothing to do with it and it’s kind of put their foot down and it’s all that they can focus on. Where do you go from there? When you arrive at this juncture, you have to begin to understand what really brought us here and nine times out of 10. It’s not gonna be because I’m drinking. It’s going to be because we do not have trust, respect and admiration for our spouse to begin with. Drinking can affect trust, communication, family time and even intimacy. Denying the impact of drinking on these things is not reading the writing on the wall. If drinking is affecting these things, you need to speak about that with your partner, not go on social media, not talk to their mama or their daddy or their best friend. You have to go directly to that person to share with them. Your concerns. Ask them if they’re valid, tell them your fears and what you really think may happen even if it’s a irrational, your partner may have no idea that you’re that you are thinking this or they may be dreading this conversation because they can tell from your interactions that drinking is becoming a huge problem with the other spouse. Yes, a spouse can communicate with the other if you’re drinking scares me or I don’t mind you drinking, but why do we have to get drunk? You can communicate these things however you cannot control your partner if the goal behind the conversation is you being in control of how much they’re drinking when they’re drinking and how often they’re drinking that’s never gonna work out well relationship relationships do not grow in prosper when control is at the center
I Don’t Have a Problem
I don’t think I have a problem. I only drink with my family. I only drink on Friday nights at the bar. I never drink and drive. I’m always on time to work. I’m never drunk in front of my kids. I don’t have a problem. These are all common things. I hear when a person is trying to defend their drinking. All of these excitements can be true so what does that mean? When do you know drinking is a problem drinking is a problem in your life when it is causing impairment you’re blacking out you are having emotional outburst while intoxicated. You’re unable to meet the needs of your families and your spouse is unable to allow you during these situations where you have impairment in your lap due to alcohol. Even if you do not agree with your smell on their concern of alcohol, try to meet them where they’re at, don’t just dismiss them but try to hear where they’re coming from. Begin to meet them at the bargaining table of OK what do you want? This is where I’m prepared to meet you instead of a spouse saying I’ve drawn a line in the sand and you need to get on my side or not, that will never be fruitful. Everyone can stand some change in their life. How about we try going to our kids’ ball practice sober. Let’s not begin drinking the moment we clock out, let’s not stop for a case of beer on the way home. How about we try to be sober with our family in the evenings. If you find that you were unable to do these things then you really need to dig into what it is about my family that makes me unable to be sober around them. What is going on in my life right now that is preventing me from wanting to feel all my feelings.
Where Do We Go From Here
Where do we go from here? Do I just go ahead and leave because I know that they’ll never stop drinking? Do I wait it out until they can come to my point of view? Will counseling even help this? If you find yourself constantly talking about your spouse’s behavior while drinking, it’s definitely time to get help. Seeking an objective third-party professional can be one of the best investments into your marriage that you can make now going to a couples counselor so that they can team up with you against your spouse and demand that they stop drinking should not be the main goal of going to couples counseling. The goal of going to couples counseling is to learn how to effectively communicate with your partner so that on your own, you can tell them hey this makes me uncomfortable. I don’t feel safe when you drink, that’s the purpose of couples counseling. Also in couples counseling many times what brings couples to counseling is not really the issue of what landed them in counseling. Finding out what land you did and counseling can only come with going to see a professional. Couples counseling can also help you figure out what type of relationship you want to have the foundation of a relationship that’s worth staying in fighting for.
Conclusion
There is no certain answer when it comes to drinking. Yes, there are statistics. There are questionnaires that you can fill out that categorize. Am I a casual drinker? Do I have a problem? Am I an alcoholic however, all of these mean nothing if the person that is consuming the alcohol does not think that they have a problem. Someone only has a problem when they have come to the conclusion that they have a problem as a partner you will never be able to convince your spouse that they have an issue with addiction you can be honest with them and tell them what you think if they ask, but you forcing someone to go to rehab or forcing them to go to AA or forcing them to stay from alcohol will never be a great strategy. If anything in this blog post has resonated with you more than likely the drinking in your relationship is having a big impact. Don’t wait. Don’t wait until you’re having a big blowup over how much someone drank it. A wedding or the amount of money spent on alcohol over our weekend. Be proactive about these conversations that you know are a sensitive subject with you or your spouse. It is always better to get in front of a problem than to be lagging behind and to be reactionary.
Get Help Now
At Cypress Roots Counseling, we understand the struggle that individuals and couples face today and want to come alongside them to help them on the marathon of relationships. By scheduling a consultation you can meet with a therapist to discuss your needs and goals. It is never too late to seek counseling for yourself, your relationship or your family. Trust your instincts and the feeling that something is not right and get help today. Our team would be honored to offer support from our Palestine, TX office or Fairfield, TX office. With multiple locations, Cypress Roots wants to make accessing therapy easier than ever. By offering in person appointments or telehealth, we are removing barriers from receiving counseling. Get started today by giving us a call at (903) 300-2705, emailing us at jaclyn@cypressrootscounseling.com or by clicking the Request appointment below.
Other Services Offered at Cypress Roots Counseling
We understand that you may be dealing with more than one or many mental health, relationship or parenting concerns. Cypress Roots Counseling offers individual and couples counseling, as well as parenting help. Ethical, professional and confidential services are what you will experience at Cypress Roots Counseling. There are many types of counseling, but at Cypress Roots you will encounter CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), Solution-Focused Therapy, Gottman Method (Couples) Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and Emotion Focused Therapy (Couples & Individual). Services are now available to Spanish speaking individuals and families. Los servicios están disponibles con un proveedor que habla español.
