The question of how to help your child when they are between two homes due to a divorce or a custody agreement is one that is often brought about in the counseling field. Coparenting is what happens when parents are divorced and custody is split whether this custody is fifty/fifty, or one parent has primary while the other is secondary. Whatever special arrangement that you have, the term coparenting still applies. Coparenting with someone is extremely difficult. Parenting with two parents that are married and in a home is extremely difficult. When you are coparenting, you are still in a relationship with the coparent. Even though you’re not married to them and you don’t live with them anymore.Just because you get a divorce, does not mean that you were done with your partner. Even though the money has been split, there is no longer any shared property, if you have children with someone you will be tied to them until the day that you die. This is often a fact that some parents do not wanna face due to the nature of the marriage divorce. The details of the previous marriage and divorce really have no consequence. In the coparenting relationship the only thing that should be a priority is what is best for the children. Not what is best for mom or what is best for dad but what is best for the children.
Figuring out what is best for your children is something that takes time and effort and is really a marathon and not a sprint. What may work for your children in one season of their life may not work in the other. In order to do what is best for your child in a coparenting relationship both parents need to approach it with respect for the situation, humility, and the willingness to lay down past hurts and hangups.The complexity of the coparent relationship with each other and with the children is one that would take longer than this blog post to describe. I’m not even sure if it could be adequately put into words how difficult it is.The purpose of this blog is to define coparenting give resources to parents who are coparenting, perhaps with a high conflict parentAnd also provide resources and encouragement for parents on how to create an environment that has stability and reliable connection with their children.
What will my child go through?
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“I’m worried about my kids. I know all of this is very hard for them. I’m dating someone new. Their mother is dating someone new. They spend two days at my house with their moms and then we switch every other weekend. Their attitude is beginning to come through as one of frustration. I’m thinking about it. They’re not in one place very long. Just as soon as I get comfortable, go back to mom’s stay at mom’s a few days up, go back to dance or my kids are gonna be OK? Is living between two homes gonna scar them for life.”
This conversation is one that I hear often with either coparent when they come in for counseling. The divorce is final. Everything is done, but now the focus is on the kids because their lives will never be the same.The emotional impact of living between two homes is one that comes with a great cost to your kids. No two people are like therefore no two homes will be alike perhaps at dad’s. We have a lot of structure; bedtime, bath, prayers, at the same time every night, lots of consistency, maybe at mom’s; take a shower when you want, eat when you want, go to bed when you want. This could be termed as gentle parenting and it can be good, even though it looks different. It is still from a place of love. Just imagine for a moment,t swinging from a hard left to right each time you go to another parent due to the differences in the environments.There are some parents who I think get it right. They put the kids first. They parent when they’re supposed to parent and have consistency based on what is best for the child. I think that this is the exception and not the rule. Many times there are so many hurt feelings, and even scars from the divorce that some parents find it very difficult to move on and focus on their kids. This can be due to the impact of the divorce. All of these things impact your kids, whether they are 2 or 17. Do not think for a moment that my divorce is better for one age group or the other. “Our divorce is not going to affect them or our kids are younger. It’s not really gonna affect them.” You were wrong on both counts. It is going to affect them in a negative way and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. Except not to get divorced.
Children need reliability, safety, and to know that their parents agree that they are a priority. Children need to know that even though their parents are no longer married, their parents have their best interest in mind and want what is best for them. Children need to know that they are not a pawn in the coparenting game. Children need to know that they are valued as a human, whether they are 2 or 12. There are some actions by children and feelings that may be signs of distress due to living between two homes. These behaviors can be irritability, anger, outburst, swearing, hanging out with people they never hung out with before, withdrawing from friends or groups that they were once very involved in, anxiety, depression, or even developing a disdain for one parent or the other when previously there was no issue. All of these behaviors are very concerning and should be addressed. The first thing you want to do is address that with your child, recognize what they’re going through, not to embarrass them but so that they know that they are being seen and not ignored. The second is you’ll want to have a calm conversation with the other parent about it, for example “hey I’ve kind of noticed some things. Have you noticed any of these”. Talk about it together. If you’re not able to resolve it with the three of you, seek professional help. There are so many counselors who are dedicated to helping families who are going through a divorce prevent through divorce or who simply may be struggling with the post divorce routine.
How do I communicate while coparenting?
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Communication during coparenting is one of the most important pieces to make the goal of successful coparenting come to life. Being respectful, child focused, and able to leave wrongs in the past are great characteristics to have when you are coparenting. Recognizing that there are a lot of emotionally charged feelings in actions, being able to give grace to the other parent is vital. Taking the emotion out of your feelings for the other parent, but instead focusing your attention on your child and what is best for them as far as when to meet up how often to meet up, allowing things to go from one house to the other contacting the other parent when you become aware of school functions or when the child is sick. These are great things that will help to ensure that the coparenting relationship is strong and can stay with the test of time. The Coparenting game is a marathon and not a sprint. It is not based on a couple little reactions. Let’s wait till the kids get older and then the kids can handle it. Absolutely not children or children for a reason they are not able to do certain things make certain decisions for a reason.Children should not have to parent themselves. Children should not have to figure out how they’re going to get to dads or be the one communicating adult things. In the coparenting relationship, you still have to recognize your level of responsibility to your child. No matter your feelings for the other parent. It is always better to be proactive than Reactive. Thinking that there will not be any conflict between you and the other parent is very naïve to say the least. We need to prepare for conflict and prepare how to communicate best. These are things that can be done between the parents or even sometimes between a third-party such as a respected family member by both parents or even through lawyers going through the divorce/custody process.Go ahead and decide what are we gonna do in this situation? What would we do in this situation? There are not many things that go on that someone has not already gone through before. This is not rocket science, it is parenting. We should not be reactive and surprised when typical things come up. Coming up with a plan on how to communicate always keeping the best interest of the children and to be respectful are great ways to maintain the best coparenting relationship.
What Can I do to Help this situation?
One of the most important things you can do is to seek professional help for yourself and for your child going along this journey. He will change constantly, not only as your children grow, but as each new family grows, there will be remarriage, more children, job changes, home changes. The thing that you can be certain of is that there will be change. Change is very hard, especially for kids. Who’ve already gone through a big change in their life example through divorce. Acknowledging this hardship with your child is extremely valuable. Not expecting them to just roll with the punches. Giving them the space to be confused. Be upset or not happy about some decisions that their parents are making now post divorce. These are all situations where thinking professional help can assist children and parents in making sure that they are all on the right track. Not only individual counseling for the child and coparent, but also family counseling for both parents post divorce to come together in a neutral environment to learn how to effectively communicate for the betterment of their family. I can’t promise you that there will be long-term effects on your children if both parents do not act in the best interest of the child which includes their emotions, behavior and mental health.
Get Help Now
At Cypress Roots Counseling, we understand the struggle that individuals and couples face today and want to come alongside them to help them on the marathon of relationships. By scheduling a consultation you can meet with a therapist to discuss your needs and goals. It is never too late to seek counseling for yourself, your relationship or your family. Trust your instincts and the feeling that something is not right and get help today. Our team would be honored to offer support from our Palestine, TX office or Fairfield, TX office. With multiple locations, Cypress Roots wants to make accessing therapy easier than ever. By offering in person appointments or telehealth, we are removing barriers from receiving counseling. Get started today by giving us a call at (903) 300-2705, emailing us at jaclyn@cypressrootscounseling.com or by clicking the Request appointment below.
Other Services Offered at Cypress Roots Counseling
We understand that you may be dealing with more than one or many mental health, relationship or parenting concerns. Cypress Roots Counseling offers individual and couples counseling, as well as parenting help. Ethical, professional and confidential services are what you will experience at Cypress Roots Counseling. There are many types of counseling, but at Cypress Roots you will encounter CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), Solution-Focused Therapy, Gottman Method (Couples) Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and Emotion Focused Therapy (Couples & Individual). Services are now available to Spanish speaking individuals and families. Los servicios están disponibles con un proveedor que habla español.
