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The questions that adoptive children can ask will vary. For example, if you adopted a child when they were a baby, they will not have any memory of their biological family. They will only know about life with their adoptive family. Even though they have no memory of this and placement was done at a young age, the conversation of adoption needs to be present. Now does it need to be front and center? We’re talking about it all day long with every person absolutely not.The analogy that I like to use with adoptive parents on how to speak with their children on the fact that they are adopted is similar to a notebook binder. A notebook binder is one that you can open up and you can have a lot of pages or a few pages.It all depends on how much you wanna put in there and when you wanna put it in there. You can open the binder and place the paper through the rings and it will always be. This is similar to adoption. You will want your adoptive story to be like that notebook finder one that at any time you can open it, unsnap the binder and put some pages in. You definitely do not want to dump a bursting notebook binder at your adolescent adoptive child. That will most certainly create a large amount of confusion, worry and instability.
Some of the questions that adoptive children can ask are why didn’t my biological parents want me? Why did they want to parent my siblings and not me? Do they not love me? As an adopted parent, these are so crushing questions that want to be avoided because they sent her around heartache. They need to not be avoided, even though they are causing heartache and discomfort. You may not always have the best answer, and sometimes you may have no answer honestly with your child about how much you know about their situation is key. We do not want to make up a story or have assumptions about the biological family we want to stick to what we know. The one thing you can be certain of is the love and connection that you have with your adoptive child. Those are things that are within your control and you are aware of all the past. Those are the things we want to center on, not the things that we are unsure of.Age will determine what type of answers you will give adoptive children when they ask about their biological family. If you have a toddler, you may want to say you came from your tummy mommy and your tummy. Mommy gave you to me. When you are parenting, I’m an older child. You can let them know. Yes, I came to the hospital when you were born, or I was not at the hospital when you were born, I met you much later. We want to be very clear and not make any assumptions of what our child may or may not know about their adoption. We want to keep it developmentally, appropriately emotionally guarded and full of honesty.
Does It Matter What I Do or Do Not Tell My Adoptive Child?
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It is critical to understand that the conversations you have with your adoptive child matter to a great extent. While you will want to protect their story in most situations, you do have to be very honest and kinda lay all the facts out and really not leave anything to imagination, because if it is one thing that kids are not short on its imagination.There may be some very hard and sad things about your child’s adoptive story. Is that appropriate to tell a toddler, school age or even a teenager probably not. Some of those conversations may need to wait until they are much older into young adulthood while that may be true for a lot of situations the rest of adoption stories can really be discussed at all levels before they become an adult.The narrative that you give your adoptive child about their past is setting the stage for their identity, self-worth and place in this world in this world. That may sound very dramatic and over emphasized. However, I cannot impress upon you enough that even though you brought your child home from the hospital, you’ve cared for them since the day that they were born, they still have the story of adoption. They still have heartache and sadness in their story and no matter how great they’re adopted family is, nothing is ever going to change that. Avoiding the topic is a common strategy that adoptive families can use when referring to an adoption. I have known families that adopted children as infants and did not tell them they were adopted until they were a teenager or young adult. This method is catastrophic to an adoptive child.
Many times parents think I don’t wanna hurt them. This is what is best for them. I do not want them to know the tragic details of their conception, birth, or biological family. I understand that reasoning that is a completely appropriate response of A. parent. It in fact does not change the statement of you having an adoptive child.Before the adoption process is set in motion these are things that you thought about how open are we gonna be and how closed are we gonna be. If you consulted any adoption specialist, they would let you know that having a closed adoption means the birth family does not know the adoptive family. No one meets each other, babies born in one room, adopted parents are in another room and then we go our separate ways. History has taught us how detrimental and catastrophic that can be for adoptive children. Set your child up for success. Not only have you invested so much time with your child and raising them to be productive respectful people you also want them to have a firm identity of who they are and where they came from. Be ready for the conversation of adoption to come around frequently. Prepare yourself for these late night conversations with your team when they want to ask more about the day that you first saw them or details about their birth family. This will not be a one and done this will continue.The more peace that an adoptive family can have with this aspect the better off everyone will be.
Protect Their Story
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In a time where details are abundant, facts are only a click away. We feel like all of our business should be out there no matter if it pertains to someone or not. I cannot encourage you enough to protect your adoptive child’s story. There is no adoption story that is built without a foundation of heartache. Adoptions are sad. Yes they do have a happy ending in reunion and that child is given a better life, but they begin in heartache and that that cannot be ignored. Everyone does not need to know the details of your child’s adoption. They do not need to know what was going on in the biological mother’s life when she was pregnant or that the biological father is unknown.They do not need to know if there was violence that resulted in their conception. They do not need to know that their birth mom had multiple other children, and they were the only one that they put up for adoption. The more we talk about the adoption in detail to people who are outside of our trusted circle. We are encouraging that conversation of heartache to be talked around our child. Protect their story. Protect their heart. When they get older, they absolutely will be in charge of their story. They can let so many people know. When they are young, it is up to the parents to set the example of we’re gonna keep this class to our best. This isn’t our story to tell. Being honest with your child when you don’t have all the facts is also a great way to protect their story. Do not make up a lie to make yourself or your adopted child feel better simply saying I have no idea is a better answer then I don’t wanna talk about it.They are going to be many times where you will need to walk the sacred path of grief and joy. Grief in that a family that will never be a biological family that will not be whole. Joy when a blessing is added to an adoptive family. We have to strike a balance and make it developmentally appropriate.
I Do Not Know How To Help Them
I do not know how to help my adoptive child with their confusion over why their biological parents did not parent them or why they kept some siblings and not them. It is OK to not know there are many resources out there, such as support groups, books, social media, and faith organizations that are therefore adoptive families in any phase of the process. There may come a point where those things are simply not enough. That is a great time to seek professional help from a counselor or therapist to help your child to dig in deep and figure out what’s going on. This may be helpful for you as the parent to know how to navigate those difficult questions to not feel attacked when your adoptive child says why can I go live with them? It could also be for your child to have a neutral place where they can come and ask questions without fear of hurting mom or dad or making them appear to be ungrateful. Just simply a safe space for them to be themself. And let me just go ahead and tell you you’re gonna mess up. Say something stupid or get it completely wrong. Welcome to parenting no matter if your child is adopted or biological you will mess up and communicate with your adoptive. A child is no exception. The rub is to figure out how to communicate to your child that you did mess up and that you wanna come back and make things better. I’ve yet to meet a child who will not accept an apology from an adult who’s being sincere. There’s always hope there’s always help.
Get Help Now
At Cypress Roots Counseling, we understand the struggle that individuals and couples face today and want to come alongside them to help them on the marathon of relationships. By scheduling a consultation you can meet with a therapist to discuss your needs and goals. It is never too late to seek counseling for yourself, your relationship or your family. Trust your instincts and the feeling that something is not right and get help today. Our team would be honored to offer support from our Palestine, TX office or Fairfield, TX office. With multiple locations, Cypress Roots wants to make accessing therapy easier than ever. By offering in person appointments or telehealth, we are removing barriers from receiving counseling. Get started today by giving us a call at (903) 300-2705, emailing us at jaclyn@cypressrootscounseling.com or by clicking the Request appointment below.
Other Services Offered at Cypress Roots Counseling
We understand that you may be dealing with more than one or many mental health, relationship or parenting concerns. Cypress Roots Counseling offers individual and couples counseling, as well as parenting help. Ethical, professional and confidential services are what you will experience at Cypress Roots Counseling. There are many types of counseling, but at Cypress Roots you will encounter CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), Solution-Focused Therapy, Gottman Method (Couples) Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and Emotion Focused Therapy (Couples & Individual). Services are now available to Spanish speaking individuals and families. Los servicios están disponibles con un proveedor que habla español.
