Parenting an out of control teenager might be one of the hardest things someone can go through. Whether your child is sending inappropriate pictures to a classmate or peer. Sneaking out of the house, involving themselves with the wrong crowd or even having issues with substance abuse, are all examples of when a teenager is out of control. Being overwhelmed as a parent is probably a daily occurrence, but when you have an out-of-control teenager that fills up being overwhelmed and the challenges that you faced or increase significantly. You are not alone whenever your child is out of control. It can feel very isolating. No one wants to call their friend and tell them what their child has done not due to embarrassment or shame, but simply to respect their child’s privacy and to keep things that belong in their family. This can build up a backlog of negative feelings and emotions associated with parenting a teenager. There is help for an out of control teenager whether it is setting of boundaries rules, technology, safeguards, or even removing from a situation.Today’s blog will focus on easy to implement actions that can give immediate relief to parents and also their teenagers who are experiencing a hard time. I’m not sure if parenting ever gets easier, but we can gain more knowledge and understanding to help us cope better.
What is my Child Doing?
There may be times when you simply look at your child and think what in the world are they doing? There may be signs of rebellious or disruptive behavior at home or at school that is not impacted by social context. There are so many factors that influence a child’s behavior.The most important is to recognize at what stage development that your child is at for example, if your child is 10 and beginning to experience, disruptive behavior, being disrespectful, not obeying the rules that is one thing however if your child is 16 and they are having disruptive behavior at home and at school, not following the rules that is a different set of circumstances the big difference in these ages are the stage of development that both of these children are young 10 year-old does have the power to be defiant and to know when they are doing something wrong most of the time. A 16-year-old absolutely has the power to recognize when they are doing something wrong and they also have the intention of being defiant. Physical development also influences a child’s behavior. Depending on their level of development physically can impact their hormone levels the hormone levels of a six-year-old girl compared to a 16-year-old girl are completely different. Hormones are absolutely not an excuse for poor behavior and bad choices. They do need to be taken into context and to be given understanding and strategies on how to cope with them best. Social context, friends, groups, and social media are several ways that children are influenced for their behavior in their actions. Things that are trending are all the rage today whether it’s a dance, a sweater or a favorite drink from Starbucks, external influences impact a child’s behavior. Finally, we need to recognize. Is this a mental health issue or a past trauma that’s resurfacing. As a parent you might say to yourself I have no idea what’s going on with my child as a professional. I wanna say to you that is OK. It is always a good idea to seek help from a mental health professional counselor therapist to see what is really going on with our child and kind of filter through some of the factors to get down to the root of the problem. Physical illness cannot be ignored. There are many vitamin deficiencies, genetic disorders or viral illnesses that can impact behavior. Getting treatment from your primary care provider can help to examine and eliminate any of these illnesses. Once the cause of the behavior has been addressed, treatment can now begin.
How Bad is it?
It’s important to address what’s really going on and on a scale of one to 10 where are we at. Now everyone has a different writing for poor behavior. The most important thing to remember when we’re looking at how bad something is is how much impairment it causes in the life of the child . If the school is calling every day detention is regular restrictions at home and losing privileges are common, the level of impairment is very high and intervention is needed. Based on how your parent, your morals and beliefs will help with this writing skill what may be a huge issue to one parent may not even register with another and that’s OK. Everyone is different. Every child is different. If you find yourself in a situation where the school is telling you one thing and you’re saying a completely different behavior at home, that’s the time to get some professional help, get a second opinion of what’s really going on here. Is this a home problem a school problem or a child problem if you can isolate the environment of the behavior, you can quickly correct the behavior. You may already know what triggers your child’s poor behavior, whether it’s a no to a request a boundary that is new or simply not giving into all their desires. These are all examples of what may be termed a trigger to your child’s poor behavior at school these triggers can be you have to sit in this desk for 45 minutes and not get up or you have to stand in line along with everyone else in White now that you’ve identified the triggers what’s the next best thing well the logical thing is eliminate the trigger however you cannot eliminate parenting or school so what do you do now there do need to be some adjustments at home and at school that are within reason to better parent your child but we have to teach our child. This is your trigger and this is your behavior and this is unacceptable. As a parent, it’s important to realize what your responses to your child. Everyone has the one child that just grates their nerves. It’s generally the child that acts just like them. Recognize how you emotionally react and respond to your child when they exhibit poor behavior. Emotions and physical actions can communicate a ton of information to your child such as my parents are very upset with me or they’re done with me or I’ve never seen them this angry. As a parent, you always want to remain in control of your emotions and your actions and not allow your children to dictate what you say and feel.
How to Best Talk to My Teenager?
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The best advice for a parent of a teen nature who’s looking for better ways to communicate is to basically stop talking. I know it sounds counter to even the word communication and counter to the way that things have always been done. However, I do have a point. The point is if you have a teenager who’s out of control, you are talking to them, yelling at them trying to get them to understand has not been effective up to this point. Why would we continue to do the same thing? If it’s not working, fix it. The definition of insanity is to continue to do the same thing however expecting different results. If we can take a more active listening approach to our teens, we may begin to see some traction in the communication department. An example would be not questioning. Why are you acting like that? Why are you making that face? What do you mean by that instead let’s make an observation with the fewest words possible. For example, I can see that you’re really frustrated. When you describe your child’s behavior back to them in a non-threatening nonjudgmental way it allows them the comfort to relax the gift of being seen and the hope that there’s a better way forward in the relationship with their parent. If conversations were short or long, always result in shouting argument, or a power struggle, the best thing to do is to not argue with your child typically in an argument with teen or child they want to put the argument on you. For example, you took my phone away or you won’t let me go here.Instead of taking the blame what we can do is communicate what really led to that situation. By simply telling the team your behavior of disrespectful mess, skipping school and sending inappropriate pictures lets me know that you’re unable to handle going anywhere with your friends when we do this we take the argument off of the parent and put it back on the child and make it their responsibility. They are in charge of what they can or can’t do. You’re simply an eyewitness and execute the consequences. It’s important to not only recognize when parenting is very hard, but also to recognize the hard time that your child is having. I shocked a client the other day when I told her I have never been asked for nudes. They were so very surprised because to them in this day and time with technology, everyone gets asked for nudes at some pointdue to when I grew up and the absence of technology I have no idea what kids these days go through when we acknowledge this with our children not only do we validate the hardships that they’re going through. We can begin to give them context for our position on some issues.
Where do I go from here?
My teen and I are going around and around in circles. I take away their phone and they get it back. I catch them sneaking out and they get grounded again and again. It’s the same cycle. What am I supposed to do? Where do I go from here? If you find yourself in a power struggle with your teen, whether it is every day, every morning, at home, school, friends, or sports. It’s time to seek help. This help can come from a licensed therapist to help with parent training and anxiety and depression in teens or children. Help can be found for you as the parent to get some perspective and some new ideas to help remove the tension from day-to-day interactions. Help can also be given to your kids to help learn some coping strategies, help identify triggers, or areas of stress in their life that are contributing to some of their disruptive behavior. If therapy or counseling can just provide some relief, as well as to be a safe space for your child to come and explore all their thoughts, feelings and actions and really just kind of unload. When you seek counseling help for your child, it does not equal a failure as a parent. It is not a surrender of, I cannot do this anymore. Getting your child professional help through counseling or therapy is a sign of humility, giving a real life example to your child of when it’s OK to ask for help, get help and learn a new way of doing things.
Get Help Now
At Cypress Roots Counseling, we understand the struggle that individuals and couples face today and want to come alongside them to help them on the marathon of relationships. By scheduling a consultation you can meet with a therapist to discuss your needs and goals. It is never too late to seek counseling for yourself, your relationship or your family. Trust your instincts and the feeling that something is not right and get help today. Our team would be honored to offer support from our Palestine, TX practice or Fairfield, TX location. With multiple locations, Cypress Roots wants to make accessing therapy easier than ever. Get started today by giving us a call at (903) 300-2705, emailing us at jaclyn@cypressrootscounseling.com or by clicking the Request appointment below.
Other Services Offered at Cypress Roots Counseling
We understand that you may be dealing with more than one or many mental health, relationship or parenting concerns. Cypress Roots Counseling offers individual and couples counseling, as well as parenting help. Ethical, professional and confidential services are what you will experience at Cypress Roots Counseling. There are many types of counseling, but at Cypress Roots you will encounter CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), Solution-Focused Therapy, Gottman Method (Couples) Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and Emotion Focused Therapy (Couples & Individual).
