Respect in any relationship cannot be understated. When it comes to the parent child relationship, respect is the foundation. There are a lot of dynamics within the parent child relationship, which are respect mutual admiration, and unconditional love. All of these factors are dynamic and they play off of each other. It’s often said that respect isn’t respect given. This is very true in a lot of relationships. However, within the parent child relationship respect must be modeled by the parent first so that the child may see this healthy behavior and then begin to model it.Children are absolutely a product of their environment. If they are in an environment that is respectful, kind, and forgiving they will also emulate these emotions. There are many things that can affect the level of respect given in a parent child relationship. Some of them are physical state, mental state and emotional well-being. It can be difficult to have respect for someone when you know that they’re having a bad day. They keep snapping at you and you know you’re not gonna say anything right. However, if even as a parent or a child, you’ve had these types of days, but yet the next day can go and turning around and be respectful and humble and kind that is the key to breaking through those really hard days.This blog will address ways to have mutual respect within a parent child relationship. Not only will they benefit you as a parent, but also in other relationships in your life from social to professional.
Child’s Perspective
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Children will rise to the bar that is sent to them by their parents, teachers and peers. If they are expected and shown how to be respectful and kind and humble, that is the result you will get. If children are in an environment where there is selfishness, frustration, and harsh words spoken often that is also a result that you will get. You will never want to match your child’s level of disrespect or anger. Developmentally, they may not be at an age where they may turn it around, so easily due to so many things such as brain development, cognitive ability, or maturity. As an adult, you are fully mature, developmentally and emotionally so it’s up to you to set the tone for the conversation. It is not wrong to expect respect from your child however, it may not always be the best thing to demand respect. Yes there are hills to die on as a parent when it comes to being obedient following the rules, but you want to understand when you’re going too far as a parent, and want to wave the white flag of surrender and say that’s enough for today. Not only does age play a factor, but the developmental stage plays a role in the level of respect in our relationship. A toddler is not able to purposely be respectful to their parents. They are not intentionally being disrespectful when they go again to pick up the toy, even though they’ve been told no time and time again.A school-age child is not being intentionally, defiant or disrespectful when they forget their backpack at home or they’re unable to concentrate in class. A teenager is not being disrespectful when they’re not able to juggle all of life’s demands from extracurricular activities, social priorities, and home duties.All of these examples are times in which as parents at one time or the other, we’ve demanded respect. However, in each of these situations, it is not intentional of our child to be disrespectful however, it’s circumstantial. We need to be open and forgiving as parents to understand that there are certain circumstances that our children will not be able to rise to the occasion and that’s where giving grace to your kids comes into play.
Parent Perspective
It is a hard line to walk as a parent to treat your children as you want to be treated while still maintaining the delicate dynamic of parent child relationship. You do not want to be friends with your kids or have them to be on the same level as far as knowledge of household things, finances, stressors stuff like that. However, you do want to make age appropriate comments and conversations with your kids that involve the family to gain respect for certain situations. An example of this can be if perhaps your child is always wanting to eat out or always wanting you to purchase things for them that you simply do not have the money for.This is a great example of when we can show our children. Hey, we only have so much money and it doesn’t include buying these things. In this way, you’re not shutting your child down with rude comments of selfishness, but instead including them in the real conversation of how this is how life works. You will always want to avoid loud dismissive or degrading behavior towards your children. Yes, as parents we have all had times where we have fallen short and done some of these things. It is never too late to approach your child and ask for forgiveness for something you’ve done as a parent. There is no greater gift to give your children then to demonstrate humility and respect for their autonomy than this. During this conversation is a great time to have a listening ear to your child, be empathetic about their feelings, and try to see it from their perspective, developmentally and socially. I’ve never had a parent sit before me and say I really regret talking to my kids. I have had parents sit before me and say I’ve said too much to my kids. I’ve let them in on too much which sometimes can be an issue but like everything else with parenting it’s never too late to turn the corner and begin new habits.
Make It Clear
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Children thrive on a schedule, structure and consistency. The number one thing I always start with parents when they bring their child to counseling is what time do they go to bed and do they have a routine. Many times disruptive behavior, whether at home or in school can be linked to lack of sleep overstimulation, and the absence of a safe secure environment. These things are critical for parents to provide for their kids. Consistency with limits and rules are always needed in a parent child relationship. If the rules are always changing, the consequences are always changing and the environment is always changing. The child has nothing to latch onto. We have to provide a firm foundation and literal low hanging fruit for our kids to be able to grab. Being an effective communicator of respect, boundaries, and consequences are great ways to reset the respect level within your family. You can be a firm, loving parent who expects your children to follow the rules and enforce the consequences without being a tyrant and destroying your kids state of mind. Do not ever fall for the lie that you have to give your kids what they want or otherwise. No children need consistency. This consistency needs to begin at home so it can carry on into school and social situations.
Be Present
To begin to foster a dynamic of respect in a parent child relationship you have to be present with their behaviors in order to set firm boundaries and correct poor behavior. We want to do this without escalating the situation and making it worse. Sometimes our kids can act out loud, throw things to really try to gain control of the situation if we match this behavior, physically, emotionally and verbally they have one and they have figured it out. This is how I get them to communicate with me. You can address this behavior without matching your kids’ energy. But it has to be done with a calm attitude, and consistency. When you demonstrate that you can approach your child with a mistake and want an apology it opens the door for your child to do this with you and with other relationships within your family. No relationship is beyond repair. There is always work to be done. In parenting, we must remember to not get bogged down in the everyday trials but to remember that parenting is a marathon and not a sprint and that we always need to have a forward motion.
Don’t Wait
The biggest thing with parenting is don’t wait on praise or discipline. When there is distance between a behavior and a response, there leaves room for confusion. We always want to praise our children when they have done something phenomenal whether it is big or small. Children are a lot like a garden they need to be tended to daily. As calm as you are when you are pricing your child you want to have that same approach when there is a level of disruptive behavior or conflict. We want to remember that we do not want to escalate the situation. We want to be part of the solution and not a part of the problem. If you find yourself in a situation where you have escalated the situation, always take the opportunity to apologize to your child. Humility in parenting is a great quality to have to show your children that even parents mess up. The modeling of this behavior will not only show your children how to be mature about a situation, but how to handle future conflict. It is important to have rules and consequences in your home. It’s just as important to enforce bad rules and enforce the consequences even when it’s hard and even when you feel terrible for your children that they’re having to go through this. You will not do your children any favors if you continue to shield them from hurt from this world or try to snow plow for them and clear everything out of the way. This is a great justice to your children and cripples them for the future.
Don’t Lose Hope
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It can be very tempting in parenting to just leave the white flag and say this is too difficult. I get up in your own way. Do not lose hope in the journey of parenting get support from those around you whether friends or family that are trusted, or if need be seek professional help from a counselor therapist who specializes in working with individuals, parents and families that are experiencing difficulties and the dynamics of their relationships, whether from disruptive behavior or even a blended family.Cypress Roots Counseling does help families that are going through similar situations. We offer face-to-face appointments in our Palestine, TX and Fairfield, TX locations. In addition, we are pleased to offer counseling to our Spanish-speaking clients.
Get Help Now
At Cypress Roots Counseling, we understand the struggle that individuals and couples face today and want to come alongside them to help them on the marathon of relationships. By scheduling a consultation you can meet with a therapist to discuss your needs and goals. It is never too late to seek counseling for yourself, your relationship or your family. Trust your instincts and the feeling that something is not right and get help today. Our team would be honored to offer support from our Palestine, TX practice or Fairfield, TX location. With multiple locations, Cypress Roots wants to make accessing therapy easier than ever. Get started today by giving us a call at (903) 300-2705, emailing us at jaclyn@cypressrootscounseling.com or by clicking the Request appointment below.
Other Services Offered at Cypress Roots Counseling
We understand that you may be dealing with more than one or many mental health, relationship or parenting concerns. Cypress Roots Counseling offers individual and couples counseling, as well as parenting help. Ethical, professional and confidential services are what you will experience at Cypress Roots Counseling. There are many types of counseling, but at Cypress Roots you will encounter CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), Solution-Focused Therapy, Gottman Method (Couples) Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and Emotion Focused Therapy (Couples & Individual). Services are now available to Spanish speaking individuals and families. Los servicios están disponibles con un proveedor que habla español.
