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Do not be discouraged if you and your spouse disagree on how to parent your children. Conflict in marriage is expected and normal. Likewise, conflict in parenting is expected and normal. I would absolutely be concerned if there was no conflict in your marriage or parenting relationship. If there is no conflict this is a sign to seek professional help immediately, because someone is lying and not being honest about their true feelings. This strategy may work for a while, but in the long run will prove to build resentment and criticism in a relationship and with your children. Going back to the foundation of your relationship and your desires and dreams for your children, is a great place to start in finding this common foundation. This will benefit your children in more ways than one. This post will focus on how there are times when we disagree with our spouse on how to parent our children and strategies to cope and overcome parenting conflicts.
Where Does the Disagreement Come From?
Many times we do not understand our methods for parenting until we run up against a road block. It is important to reflect on how we were raised, what our parents did, and didn’t do, and what our friends’ parents did and didn’t do. This is not so much of a comparison of one doing a better job, but to look back and say this is what I want for my kids and this is what I don’t want for my kids. Once you and your spouse come to an agreement of an end goal of a result that you agree that you both want, that is when the real work can begin. How are we going to reach this goal? These are great conversations to have before you have children and sometimes couples do have them before they have kids. They talk about how we wanna raise our kids? Where do we wanna raise them? What type of punishment will we use? How will we school them? What religion will they be? These are all important questions that are helpful. If it’s talked about before you have kids, however, with the best laid plans comes the best of intentions. All parents have said my child will never do this and then here we are years later, eating our words because we really had no idea what we were talking about. This is kind of similar to a lot of the dreams and plans we have for kids before we have kids because it’s a completely different game when you are in the mist of conflict with your spouse due to a disagreement on parenting. Things that can affect this stress are career, number of children, personality, finances, and even environment. These all influence stressors that lead to how we handle parenting and how we communicate with our spouse in conflict with our kids. It’s important to identify what is driving your decisions whether in a positive or a negative way. If we don’t identify what’s driving our decisions, we tend to play the blame game. Instead of accepting responsibility for our skin in the game. Example: this is all of my spouse’s fault because of ABC 123 when in reality it’s a whole combination of things.
Let Me Have It
If your relationship and parenting are never in conflict and everything is always rosy, this is the result of someone in the relationship not being honest. If you have two people in a room, you’re eventually going to have conflict. If you have two people in a room and you don’t have conflict, one of them is a liar. This is a great short-term strategy, however is detrimental in the long run. Learning how to be honest and have open communication with our spouse in regard to parenting is a skill that will build compound interest not only in your marriage, but in parenting that you will see the rewards for years to come. Couples are encouraged to set aside time for their relationship work on their goals and have shared dreams. These are all great thanks parents also need to have conversations about their kids. What do we want for our kids? What can we see coming down the road for our kids? It’s important to be aware of these things instead of being reactive when a certain situation happens. We never want to play the blame game with parenting when you are talking with your spouse. We only want to use “I” statements. If you begin a sentence with “you”, you’ve already started blaming and shaming. Learning to speak to your spouse with “I” statements is a learned habit and skill that will take time, but is not impossible. As your partner is doing eye statements on the receiving end, you have to be an active listener, who is open to seeing your partner’s perspective, even though it is far from what you were wanting.
End Game
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It’s easy to become concerned in the every day workings of parenting. Extracurricular activities, school, home friends, developmental issues are just a few of the stressors that are present. These can be very time-consuming however, we cannot forget what the whole goal is for parenting. The whole goal of parenting is to raise honest, open and trustworthy kids. If we can focus on the end game and not become consumed with what’s in the middle, we can accomplish our goals a lot smoother. Each kid is different. You can have five kids that come from the same mom and dad and they will all be different. I would say it is near impossible to treat all of your kids in the same manner as far as discipline, communication or even conflict. Each of your children are different and they require a different approach. Some may say I love all of my kids equally. I want them to all experience the same thing. You can love your children equally, but treat them differently based on their personality, developmental level, and any external factors that influence their personality or behavior. This is not favoring one child over the other. This is simply how I can help my child be their best self. A great example of this is if you have five children and four are in public school. The fifth is homeschooled because the home environment is better for them to concentrate.. It doesn’t mean that your parenting the one homeschool child is different, than the children you send to public school. It just means that you understand that each child is different and requires a different approach. This is what our child needs and we’re gonna get it for him.
Teamwork Makes the Dreamwork
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Learning how to be flexible with your partner is a staple in parenting. Everyone has their strengths and everyone has their weaknesses. That’s what makes our relationship so fun is because your partner often has strengths where your weaknesses are. We need to rely on our spouse to be the missing link in your parenting style. This promotes a balance in perspectives and communication. We want to also figure this out quietly. Never in front of the kids. Discuss what are some non-negotiables that you have as a parent this could be due to past experiences current experiences or observed of other people parenting it’s important to have these conversations before they ever happen then instead of in the moment or after the moment, there are some things and parenting that once they’ve been done or spoken, simply can never be taken back and they can have a real dynamic shift in your relationship that it’s gonna take a lot of hard work to shift to get back on track being proactive in your relationship with your partner and in parenting will save a lot of conflict down the road.
When do we Seek Help
There is never a perfect time to seek professional help for issues with an individual, relationship or family. There is a best time. The best time to seek help is when the level of impairment is affecting daily functioning and relationships, that are not easily remedied. Examples of impairment would be repeated arguments, daily conflicts over simple tasks, disruptive behavior at school or home. Or simply when your body is letting you know that something is wrong. There are many ways that a professional can help with parenting conflicts. Perspective, new skills and techniques and simply an empathetic ear. Seeking professional help requires an internal look which can relate to a level of accountability. When you have to sit before someone and lay your habits bare, it is likely that you will make changes in your life. Parenting books, groups and workshops are great ways to get additional support. I have never had a parent sit before me and say, I regret getting help and investing in my family. Most likely the phrase is, “I regret not getting help for myself or my family”. External groups are great, but we need to be cautious when we are seeking help from non licensed professionals that are clinically trained to help with individuals and families.
Kids Can Smell Division
Your children should never know that there is division in your parenting styles. If and when your children figure out that there is a division in your parenting styles, they most likely will use this to their advantage. For example, they may go to Mom because they realize she is more lenient and will not consult with dad when making decisions likewise, they may go to dad when needing advice on the subject due to the fact that he won’t consult mom over those things.These are manor examples, but making decisions as a parent without consulting your partner, can have major impacts on your relationship and your family as a whole. The majority of the time whenever there is a parenting decision that needs to be made that’s in the best interest of the child generally each partner knows where they stand on the issue. It’s no secret. It’s not like they’ve changed overnight. This goes back to learning more about your partner before you have kids talking about these big things, singing a little bit of where they are coming from and understanding their perspective. If there is ever a time where your children continue to create division within a relationship due to parenting conflict, this behavior needs to be addressed immediately. The longer it goes on you are communicating to your child that that behavior is allowed.
Take It Easy
Just when you think you figured something out everything changes, this is often the way that it goes with parenting. One week you realize this is the way my child likes it best, this is what they’re doing and then the next it’s completely different. Welcome to parenting. It is the state of constant change. You have to be open to change in how your child acts and is developmentally and make adjustments in your parenting. Everyone struggles in their relationship with their partner and with raising kids. Better to put the energy in and later reap what you sow. Help is here. Cypress Roots Counseling is here to help you along the way in your relationship with your partner and in parenting issues. With convenient offices located in Palestine and Fairfield, with immediate availability for appointments with a licensed counselor. Appointments are available, 8 am – 8 pm Monday through Saturday.
Get Help Now
At Cypress Roots Counseling, we understand the struggle that individuals and couples face today and want to come alongside them to help them on the marathon of relationships. By scheduling a consultation you can meet with a therapist to discuss your needs and goals. It is never too late to seek counseling for yourself, your relationship or your family. Trust your instincts and the feeling that something is not right and get help today. Our team would be honored to offer support from our Palestine, TX practice or Fairfield, TX location. With multiple locations, Cypress Roots wants to make accessing therapy easier than ever. Get started today by giving us a call at (903) 300-2705, emailing us at jaclyn@cypressrootscounseling.com or by clicking the Request appointment below.
Other Services Offered at Cypress Roots Counseling
We understand that you may be dealing with more than one or many mental health, relationship or parenting concerns. Cypress Roots Counseling offers individual and couples counseling, as well as parenting help. Ethical, professional and confidential services are what you will experience at Cypress Roots Counseling. There are many types of counseling, but at Cypress Roots you will encounter CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), Solution-Focused Therapy, Gottman Method (Couples) Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and Emotion Focused Therapy (Couples & Individual). Services are now available to Spanish speaking individuals and families. Los servicios están disponibles con un proveedor que habla español.
