There are times when early on in a relationship are much later that some topics come up such as politics, religion, families that become a source of division within a relationship. Yes, there are proactive ways to avoid this division. Such as speaking about these topics before you get married. Seeing each other’s point of view and learning how to view their perspective objectively. Or realizing how this is absolutely something I will not be able to get over, I don’t want to proceed with this relationship. Many couples do not have the luxury of this proactive approach. They typically are reactive due to some type of political decision, an election or even the birth of a child. Even though there is division in a relationship, it can still be a healthy one that is based on boundaries, respect and admiration. Even with tension, a relationship can thrive. This fog will demonstrate ways to help when division occurs, what to do, how to recover and what strategies to use the next time there is division. The goal is not to end division because that would be boring. That is similar to saying, I want a relationship with no conflict. Conflict and division are going to happen when two people are together. The goal is to learn how to work together through conflict and division.
What is This Really About?
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What is it about politics and religion that caused so much conflict? In a tell that is his oldest time politics and religion have caused division and conflict within relationships, families and communities. How have relationships been able to withstand the test of time? I had so much conflict. These topics are very personal and have a lot of emotion behind them, typically by the person who is presenting or is very passionate about something. Generally people operate from a position of their morals and beliefs. This is what God sent to make decisions for politics and religion. Other times people can rely on their life experiences either things that they’ve experienced or things that they want to avoid or want their family or children to avoid. It is important to remember that during these times of conflict that our spouse or family are community is not our enemy. They are not out to get us. They are not out to destroy us. They are simply a person who has a difference of opinion on politics and religion. The decision has to be made whether or not this is a hill you will die on. The phrase a hill you want down is common with my clients. I refer to situations that come up in their life whether relationship, professional or educational. Is this a hell you wanna dial? Is this a topic of an issue or a conflict that you are willing to risk everything and lose everything over this issue? Many times the initial answer is yes this is very important to me. I am not wavering on my position or my perspective however, after some thoughtful time spent seeking guidance many times people come back and see that it really isn’t worth it to lose my family over a particular political or religious issue. Ignoring the presence of religious and political differences would be an injustice to our society as a whole. No, we do not need to give it all the credit, all the energy, but we do need to recognize its place. Politics shape our world; they dictate how we interact with our neighbors, foreign and domestic.
The Effect on Your Relationship
The impact of conflict from politics and religion can have a varying degree of impact on your marriage. It can be an impact of communication due to always bickering back-and-forth about his issue. My issue can lead to not feeling safe to share your feelings with your partner and your own home. And also can lead to one partner feeling like they need to concede just to keep the relationship alive. All of these things can have a negative impact on your relationship, which can lead to loss of respect, resentment, contempt, and stonewalling. As addressed earlier, it is best to be proactive about a situation than to be reactive. For example, if you know a pending election results will be an issue in your home. It’s best to go ahead and talk about it. Talk about what the outcomes may or may not be and make a plan. This requires a lot of self-control and dedication to keeping your relationship or priority, and not allowing politics and religion to take over. Not only will being proactive benefit your marriage. It’ll also benefit everyone who is around your marriage. Your children will not hear fresh fights or conversations that are not appropriate and your extended family members will not be brought into a conversation that has nothing to do with them. It’s not as if you do not want your children to ever see you fight because that’s not the case. Conflict is healthy. Children need to learn how to see conflict and see it resolved in a healthy way.
Let’s Keep it Real
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The moment you begin to censor yourself for the sake of your spouse is the moment that you begin to have communication issues within your marriage. You do not want to speak negatively about something if you know that it is going to purposely hurt your spouse, however there are creative ways to speak about issues that are sensitive without being inconsiderate. This requires active listening and empathy. It involves asking questions and not always coming back with a response. Debate is not necessarily a bad thing however, if it is the main form of communication that you and your partner are having that’s not a great sign. Many of these conversations can be hot topics which can create a hated environment, tempers, flaring, and temperatures rising. You will want to have boundaries and rules for when you have discussions on politics and religion. For example, we don’t talk about this in front of the kids or your mom. We don’t discuss politics or religion when either of us is under the influence of anything.It seems trivial to have to say these things, but the majority of conflict that surrounds any relationship typically involves drugs or alcohol.
Meet me in The Middle
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Even though you differ on politics and religion, it’s important to come back to what brought you together in the first place, which for most couples is a place of shared values with fondness and admiration. Always go back to what you know is true to what the foundation is for your relationship. There are issues that will come and go, politics, religion, environmental factors all of those are fluid meaning they’re always more or less. However, the foundation of your relationship should always stay the same, which is based on shared fullness and admiration. This is what you need to focus on not the division of my opinion of this, and his opinion of that but what brought us together in the first place. Many times in counseling individuals or couples sit before me and say I just can’t accept what they’re doing because if I accept it then that will mean that I’m agreeing to it and I do not agree with what they are doing. The fact of the matter is, you can have acceptance without agreement. This is a fundamental principle of walking and kindness and humility.
When is it Too Much
That is the phrase I often hear. When is it time to get help? Are things that bad? This is a different point for everyone. It’s going to depend on a lot of different factors. It’s going to depend on how well you communicate how long the issue has been going on and the level of impairment that it’s causing your life. Now you may be saying, what do you mean by impairment impairment is impact on daily functioning. If conflict and division from politics and religion, for example, causes you to not want to go home in the evening, that’s a major impairment in your life. Another example would be skipping family functions due to not wanting to have any remote possibility. I’ve had a conversation about politics and religion.These are both two examples that are causing great impairment to your daily life and your family functioning. This is the point where you want to seek help. This help can come from many different ways, but the best in the situation would be to seek advice from a professional therapist or counselor who can help you work through marriage issues. It is not as if you will go to counseling and all your problems will be solved and that’ll be that. Wrong the majority of problems that couples have are unsolvable. So what’s the point in being buried if all the problems are unsolvable? That’s a great question. The answer to that is learning how to communicate, have respect and mutual admiration, and also to learn how to move from gridlock to dialogue on critical issues, such as politics and religion. However, the ways and skills of moving from good luck to dialogue will benefit you in so many areas of your life not only when talking about politics and religion.
Where Do We Go From Here?
I want to leave you filled with Hope from this block post. I don’t want you to feel as though just because my spouse and I differ on politics and religion that we are somehow incompatible and that our relationship is over. Those are all lies. It is important to focus on truth in all areas of your life, particularly in your relationship with your spouse. Do not think of it as a failure if you and your spouse seek counseling after 5, 10, 15, 40 years of marriage. It is not a sign of failure or weakness to seek help for your marriage. It is actually a sign of commitment and respect for your partner. You respect them so much that you are willing to sacrifice your time, energy and money to invest back into your relationship because it is that important. I have never had a couple sit before me and say coming to couples counseling was the worst thing that we ever did. The majority of the time it is, I don’t know why I waited so long to get help.
Get Help Now
At Cypress Roots Counseling, we understand the struggle that individuals and couples face today and want to come alongside them to help them on the marathon of relationships. By scheduling a consultation you can meet with a therapist to discuss your needs and goals. It is never too late to seek counseling for yourself, your relationship or your family. Trust your instincts and the feeling that something is not right and get help today. Our team would be honored to offer support from our Palestine, TX office or Fairfield, TX office. With multiple locations, Cypress Roots wants to make accessing therapy easier than ever. By offering in person appointments or telehealth, we are removing barriers from receiving counseling. Get started today by giving us a call at (903) 300-2705, emailing us at jaclyn@cypressrootscounseling.com or by clicking the Request appointment below.
Other Services Offered at Cypress Roots Counseling
We understand that you may be dealing with more than one or many mental health, relationship or parenting concerns. Cypress Roots Counseling offers individual and couples counseling, as well as parenting help. Ethical, professional and confidential services are what you will experience at Cypress Roots Counseling. There are many types of counseling, but at Cypress Roots you will encounter CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), Solution-Focused Therapy, Gottman Method (Couples) Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and Emotion Focused Therapy (Couples & Individual). Services are now available to Spanish speaking individuals and families. Los servicios están disponibles con un proveedor que habla español.
